17/7

Hmm... it's the 17th of July now.. I can't wait for 11th of August to come.. lol... hmm... yesterday I was busy watching some horror movies. Watched 1 movie called Phobia2 at my grandmother house and went home to watch ju-on:white ghost and black ghost. Hmm... I hope this is not the end of ju-on movies... I want more...lol...

I was asked by my friend to do the report part of my MBS project today. So I was waiting for my another friend to email me the file so that I can do the report. Suddenly when I open the file today, I realise that the report is done... So seriously I was like wtf? What happened? So I called my friend and he said because he chiong all the way while doing his query.... sigh.. I really wanna contribute as we are a team but suddenly when I wake up.... it's all done.... but well.. the good news is our MBS project is done and we will be able to submit on time. Soz... left with HRM report and role play now.

I wonder what happened to my manager recently. She asked me to work on this Thursday,Saturday and Sunday. Thursday morning I woke up just to see a message from my manager saying I don't have to work today. So Friday I messaged her to tell her that I will be working at 4 tmr right and she said tmr I don't have to come... only Sunday will do... I wonder did I work too much? In the first month of my work, I worked around 50 hours within a month. But in the second month of my work, I worked around 100 hours. Maybe they don't wanna pay me OT. :'(

So erm.... a few months ago I had this weird feeling inside my heart.... I once lost this feeling before because of my family and now I start to feel it back.... some say that this feeling is called crush.... some say that it's called interested...attracted....like..... and some call it love. I feel that I kinda like a girl now..... thanks to facebook, some of my classmates know that this girl is in my class too. But the matter is..... I can't ask her out..... I can't tell her that I like her..... I can't drop hints to show that I care for her.... all I can do is to watch her silently.... till we go into different class next semester. Well..... this is because I don't think she is interested in me... I once told myself I will never date a girl who is younger than me again. She isn't really cute...isn't pretty... isn't rich... sometimes I ask myself why did I like her? But perhaps this is love, there is no reason to like someone. Last week I abandoned my pride... I abandoned all my principles and messaged her for no reason. She replied and the next message I was about to send is to ask her out to have a dinner and watch a movie with me... but maybe I was weak.... I didn't send it to her. I am scared... not that she will reject me.... not that she will hurt me.... but afraid that history will repeat itself...I have been thinking a lot recently... to confess to her that I like her or to just give her up?
So I recalled... a few months ago.... when I was still dating my ex-gf, I loved her more than anyone else.... including myself. Because of my family problem and our long distance relationship, I did something cruel...... I can't give her the happiness that she deserve to have....
and so... I left her... leaving her crying every night thinking what have she done wrong that I wanna leave her alone..... I am sorry.... I am a bastard for that...

So I kept thinking..... if I can let go of the girl who I truly love more than anyone else because of that particular reason.... even if this female classmate of mine accept my confess and we date, I will still let go of her hands one day because of this reason again... I am not in a condition that is suitable to go into a relationship now... my heart isn't stable yet... which is why I keep holding back whenever I see her....